I just realised that I haven't written a new post in 10 days. 10 whole days! When I started writing Butterfly Free in February, I was so energised, so full of ideas... pre-planning topics to write about weeks in advance... But in recent days that motivation suddenly trailed off.
I recognised this feeling. It had happened to me before, in the aftermath of my thyroid surgery. All my excitement and brainstorming and effort I would routinely throw into my work projects suddenly evaporated overnight. I became disillusioned, dejected, and utterly demotivated, and I had no idea why. I couldn't focus. If I had an idea or thought, it would quickly disappear, or my enthusiasm for it would wane in mere moments, or I just wouldn't have the energy to follow it up. My work duties began to feel like chores for the first time. My creativity was gone.
It was not until the discovery and treatment of my severe Vitamin D and Ferritin deficiencies that I started to get my sparkle back, and then I realised that my apathy towards my work had come as a direct result of those deficiencies and a debilitated thyroid function.
This time round, I have been able to identify that apathetic symptom far quicker. At my most recent checkup with the OB-GYN last week, I insisted that she run some more thyroid blood tests despite it being outside the scope of health insurance coverage. I knew something was out of balance; I knew there must be a physiological reason for my sudden lack of lustre. Sure enough, the hospital called the next day with my results - my TSH has jumped from 2.4 to 3.9 in one month. I immediately doubled my dosage of Euthyrox to try and quickly get it back down below the recommended range of 3 during the second and third trimesters of pregnancy.
Some days I haven't wanted to leave home at all. Other days, a simple trip to the supermarket has been a struggle. A dinner out at a lovely restaurant with my husband left me feeling utterly drained. I kept pushing myself to attend my prenatal Pilates classes, but I didn't feel enthusiastic in the slightest at the idea of doing something physically taxing.
My emotions have been all over the place, too. I know pregnancy hormones wreak havoc with a woman's emotional state, but I'm someone who has always been quite reserved with her emotions. I never suffered from PMS or any other sort of hormonal oversensitivity, but recently I've been out of control (by my standards). I've gone from someone who cried maybe once or twice a year maximum - my husband had only previously seen me shed a few happy tears when he asked me to marry him - to someone who starts welling up at the slightest little thing on a daily basis. I got tearful during the opening sequence of the new 'Boss Baby' movie at the cinema the other day, for goodness sake!
Some days I barely recognise myself for how outwardly sensitive and emotional I've become. My insecurities, worries and fears have all been royally shining through, too. I don't know how my poor husband has been able to handle his previously placid wife turn into a drama queen, but I'm grateful that he has been very understanding and reassuring throughout.
As my newly-upped dosage of synthetic thyroid hormone starts to take effect, I am feeling the grey cloud lift from over my head. My motivation is coming back, my focus is clearer, and I have more energy to go out, to work out, and to simply get out of bed before the afternoon. I can't promise that the tears will dry up anytime soon though - that seems to be a direct knock-on effect of pregnancy!
So, I have written this post because I finally felt enough drive to actually open my laptop and start tapping away at the keyboard again, and because I wanted to be honest with you. On social media we tend to see the highlights of people's lives; they only want to share the shiny, glossy side, which is understandable, but also leads us to set unrealistic expectations for ourselves. Sometimes it's ok not to be ok. It's normal to go through a down or demotivated spell. What's important is to seek the right help to pull yourself out of it. The struggle is real, but the struggle doesn't have to last forever.